8th December 10
Billions of StarKids across this big watery globe of ours can attest that there is one Boy Who Lived and it is not Daniel Radcliffe. A curly haired wunderkind with a mind for music has usurped his thespian brother through alarming charisma and YouTube sensation A Very Potter Musical. He Is Too Cool To Date You is of course referring to Darren Criss.
As A Very Potter Musical and the sequel collected views Criss converted millions to the church of Crisstianity where communion was not blood and flesh but Butterbeer and Red Vines. Many found their new religion totally awesome and as Darren’s popularity grew he ditched the Order of the Phoenix to join the Warblers after hearing Dumbledore say “music, a magic far beyond all we do here!” This saw Criss transfer from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry to Dalton Academy where the uniforms where not as magical though possibly more dapper. Rumor has it Criss originally wanted to transfer to East High School as Harry Potter loves Zac Efron more than anybody else on the planet but Efron, on hearing his very image had been a Hocrux of Voldemort, had the application rejected. Criss was in a rage.
Criss must have inhaled a handful of Floo Powder on his way to Dalton and became confused because he went into the fireplace as Harry and came out as Blaine, who coincidentally came out as gay and became the teenage dream of former Glee clubber Kurt. (Side note: someone needs to knit a new Scarf of Sexual Preference whose woolly wisdom clearly cannot be trusted). Blaine caught the eye of Kurt and millions of Gleeks across the planet who, like the StarKids before them, went on to join the church of Crisstianity.
No matter what fictional musically inclined high school Criss attends next it is clear he is destined for stardom and therefore will never date you.
Because he is Darren Criss, and he is too cool to date you.
16th November 10
The afternoon is silenced by the beckoning winter dusklight as you, O Sweet Warrior, clamber to remain composed in the face of great tribulation. Your head is still throbbing from your indiscretions with the three Jägerbombs and the South African exchange student the day before and for all your labors in the labyrinthian windings of casual university sex you learned nothing except what a Tokyo Sandblaster really is.
The nape of your neck is tickled with spitty nuzzlings as you bend your head down in shame or prayer or maybe you have just passed out and that is when you feel it; the heaving of your breast as you try to control your throbbing, hormonal passion.
What is this? Did you misread the directions and end up in the porn version of The Bourne Supremacy, The Porn Supremacy? Nup. You’re sitting an exam, baby! And that silver fox badass motherfucker mouth breathing over your shoulder is the eighty year old invigilator, Archibald, your real life, severely aged Matt Damon. Hot.
Archie, you can call him that, moves past you at lightning speeds of shuffling, intent on not throwing his back out. And what a back it is. You flirt your eyes down to the questions in order to avoid climax.
Marshall McLuhan is famed for his aphorism …
That helps.
But then Archie is back and in his cracked and yellowing claws he holds your student I.D. Yup. You are taken back to first year, to when invigilator was just a giggle inducing word like ‘penetration’ or ‘Mark Walberg.’ Do you remember that day? It rained. Your make up ran. You sneezed as the man at the student centre said cheese. And now, three years on, and Archie is staring into the photographic proof of your unhotness. He does not even check to make sure it is you. All hope of ever hooking Archie is drained from your heart faster than your hope of graduating in the next three years.
Damn Johan and his South African charms.
You pack up first, hold your head high and strut out of the exam room. But inside the last spark of hope and joy that had yet to be ripped from your bloody beating heart by the tribulations of university has faded. Archie will never be yours.
Because he is The Exam Invigilator, and he is too cool to date you.
16th November 10
Dear Boy People Kind
We, as the collective female gender, tend to have a soft spot for you. We like the smell of you on our pillows, we like when you kiss our foreheads and tell us we are radiant and we especially like it when you have not been severely fucked up by our female predecessors.
Crazy, right?
There are two reasons for this. Firstly, boys equate girl issues with a get out of free jail card. Tell the nearest female you have girl issues and she will back off. Nobody knows better than us that girls can be nefarious schemers intent on scarring the fuck out of anybody with a penis in a five mile radius. We all have mothers. We take this get out of free jail card at face value, buy a block of Cadbury chocolate and get over you. Of course you could say you have herpes, but that is the fucked up thing about boys. You may not want us but you still want us to find you sexy. Dicks.
Secondly, and extremely rare, is the boy who actually has girl issues. At first, such boys were thought to be a myth no realer than the vampire who does not sparkle concocted by boys with herpes to avoid sticking their dick in anything intelligent, kind, clever and witty. Myth became fact when grainy pictures of a man traversing the Arctic pole with nothing but a snuggie and an ipod playing tracks from Bob Dylan’s Blood on the Tracks were released to the public by NASA. Clearly, some girl fucked him up good. Girl People Kind is sorry the princess was in another castle, Mario, but sooner or later you have to hop back into that kart and rainbow road it to another castle. We are not saying you do not have a blue shell in your future. We are not saying Peach will be in the next castle you visit. We are just saying if you stick around wallowing in Your Severely Fuckedupness (or herpes) that Luigi will have got to the castle with the princess way before you, and then you will die alone in a gutter swamped with heroin syringes and the pee of Bill, The Homeless Guy you give two dollars too whenever you have it spare.
What is it going to be, punk? No, no, there is no need to tell us which way it is going to be. We no longer think about Mario and you should not either all other members of Girl People Kind.
Because he is The Guy With Girl Issues, and he is too cool to date you.
Love,
Girl People Kind.
15th September 10
Now, my friends, we stumble upon a type of guy who is an able strategist, permeating all levels of society, in cahoots with The Cocky Jock and at the same time far inferior and more terrible altogether. Your angry protestations are acknowledged. He Is Too Cool To Date You shall salute those who scream from the iron lattice enclosed balconies to the dusty lanes of the outback “why talk about so evil a man,” and return those screams with “for the good of humanity, friends!”
One hopes your attested loyalty shall outweigh your assumed anger but you must be warned, before you take up the task of avenging reader, that this blog post is not for the faint of heart, for the boy you shall read about now is wretched and blazingly bizarre. Please close this page if you have a weak stomach.
Thank god they are gone.
Now it comes about that the most bombastic, the most graceless of all male creatures graces the pages of He Is Too Cool To Date You. He is The Guy Who Likes Coldplay. He may be boyish in appearance or cataclysmically manly. More often than not The Guy Who Likes Coldplay is devastatingly handsome. But only to you. Your friends think he was hit five times in the face with a shovel, and that only tools wear track pants to uni and that nobody likes George Lazenby as James Bond. If you one day find yourself at three in the morning stealing your housemates stale biscuits and watching On Her Majesty’s Secret Service and liking it because The Guy Who Likes Coldplay does, you have found yourself at a crossroads. Either you live on the cold formalities of a churlish and unsightly boy or you get the fuck out. You need to pick the Get The Fuck Out option, fall down the rabbit whole, take the red pill, Neo, for clear hindsight will favour your valour. To summarise, no commanding and compassionate dude likes Coldplay. And if you still want to know if he will date you, the answer is no.
Because he is The Guy Who Likes Coldplay, and he is too cool to date you.
15th September 10
The Cocky Guy is a tricky one. There is one simple method to figuring out if the guy you like is The Cocky Guy. Let him talk. Seriously. Let the guy talk. In two seconds he will have told you that you are a) not attractive, b) not funny or c) not in the least bit interesting. His specialty is backhanded compliments, not laughing at your hilarity and generally thinking you suck. Big time.
The Cocky Guy is very different from The Sexy Arrogant Dude or The Cocky Jock. The Sexy Arrogant Dude knows he is hot stuff and has good reason too. The Cocky Guy can easily be tall, dark and handsome as he is short, unloving and unlovely. The difference is The Sexy Arrogant Dude makes a minimal effort to kick the shit out of your self-esteem whereas The Cocky Guy gets out the grenade launcher. The Cocky Jock does not think you suck. He does not think about you, or at all. The Cocky Guy will hunt you down, tell you that you are arrogant and ask you to accompany him for sushi.
Nobody knows why The Cocky Guy is like this for The Cocky Guy is too cocky to submit his actions to scientific study. Is it just that The Cocky Guy thinks he is better than you? Nope. That is too easy. Generally The Cocky Guy thinks he sucks. He just happens to think you suck more. Will The Cocky Guy date you? No.
Because he is The Cocky Guy, and he is too cool to date you.
12th September 10
We all know that guy. He is charming, charismatic and intelligent. He has a cool foreign name, is an extremely high achiever and can cook a three tiered tiramisu cheesecake.
Will he date you? No.
Because he is The President of the United States of America, and he is too cool to date you.
12th September 10
There comes a time for every virgin (obviously not literally) when having a hymen starts to weigh you down. Three-legged races are especially awkward when your hymen is the reason your team finishes dead last. Virgins tend to be well rounded individuals so you continue on with your life playing polo on a buckskin steed or finishing the NYT cryptic crossword or whatever it is the modern virgin gets up to. But then you finish last in one too many three-legged races and something inside you snaps; now is the time to ditch the v plates.
You start racking your brain for the first easy lay. They are called stereotypes, people, and you have got to get your hands on one quick so he can get his hands on you. Who is the first guy you think of?
The Nerd Next Door.
The Nerd Next Door is an easy enough target. Right? Wrong. If you thought the Star Wars loving, sweater wearing Nerd Next Door will relish the chance to get all up in your Superman knickers you have been misinformed by blockbuster films and their colloquially spun lies. The Nerd Next Door is not the droid (read: boy) you are looking for. The Nerd Next Door is now more influential than Obi Wan’s mind tricks, and he is waiting for a Zooey Deschanel wannabe to save him with her knowledge of obscure indie bands. Will he date you? No.
Because he is The Nerd Next Door, and he is too cool to date you.
12th September 10
The Dashing Boy, unlike The Cute Hipster or The Cocky Jock, is a man entrenched in estrogen. He has all the hallmarks of a classically handsome dude. Tall, dark, handsome and humorous with an iPod better stocked than Mr. Darcy’s lake. The Dashing Boy is a mixed bag of lollies (or candy). He owns ironic shirts from seventies sitcoms, a self deprecating sense of humor and friends of The Cute Hipster and The Cocky Jock variety. The Dashing Boy is just as likely to sweep into that trashy club wearing guyliner as he is to buy the next round of beers at the footy. The trademark of The Dashing Boy is that he has a lot of friends. That are girls.
Is he gay? Possibly. More than likely The Dashing Boy was raised by a single mum or has sisters, therefore making him a well rounded individual. Some women tend to feel well rounded individuals make suitable partners and therefore flock to The Dashing Boy, filling out his Facebook friend list and lunchtime breaks. If The Dashing Boy wanted to date a female friend, he would. But he never does. Does this mean he will date you? No.
Because he is The Dashing Boy, and he is too cool to date you.
